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Information for Parents
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE: WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW
(Note: Although this material refers to girls because 80% of reports involve them, boys are also sexually abused.)
Dynamics of Child Sexual Abuse
What is Child Sexual Abuse?
Child sexual abuse occurs when an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual purposes. Sexual abuse most often involves fondling or touching. This may include asking a child to touch the adult, or be touched sexually by the adult. Other forms of sexual abuse include penile/oral, penile/vaginal, or penile/anal contact. These acts may be performed on the child or the child may be asked to perform these acts on the adult. Still other forms of sexual abuse include child prostitution, child pornography, or sexual assault. Sexual abuse is emotionally abusive and is often found with other forms of abuse. It betrays trust and is an abuse of power over the child. Child sexual abuse is a criminal offense and is against the law.
How Widespread Is the Problem?
Child sexual abuse is largely a hidden crime, so it is difficult to know the number of people who are sexually abused at some time during their childhood. Both adults and children may not want to report sexual abuse for a number of reasons. Some may keep it secret because of the sense of shame, because they have been threatened not to tell, or for fear that they or the offender will be punished. Because abuse victims often have close ties with the offender, they may not want criminal charges pressed against them. Some children are too young to put what has happened into words, while others may be afraid no one will believe them. Also, the victims are young and dependent. For these reasons, most child victims do not report.
Research shows that one out of three girls will experience some form of sexual abuse by the age of eighteen, and at least one out of five boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they reach eighteen years of age.
What are Some Facts about Sexual Abuse?
There are many myths about child sexual abuse. People often believe that abuse is committed by strangers and that the offenders are crazy, retarded, homosexual, or just dirty old men. Others believe that the victims of abuse are sexually provocative adolescents. People often believe children make up stories about sexual relations with adults while others believe that children are rarely emotionally affected by "gentle incest."
The fact is that 90% of the victims know their offenders. These offenders come from every profession and socioeconomic group and look like any normal person. They might be a parent, aunt, uncle, scout leader, church official, coach, daycare worker, or friend of the family. The offender may be someone who is seen as a caring person in the child's life. Most offenders are males. Many cases of child sexual abuse occur in pre-school and school-aged children, but there are cases that involve adolescents. Again, it is true that many children do not tell anyone about abuse or wait until adulthood to disclose. We do know that, if young children disclose, they should be believed, because they do not know enough about sex to describe specific sexual behaviors unless it has occurred. Some offenders abuse more than seventy children before any of the victims disclose the abuse. In cases in which one offender has abused a large number of victims, the abused children are more likely to be male.
Why Do People Molest Children?
In general, offenders have an abnormal attraction to children. The thought of someone sexually abusing a child is disgusting to most of us. The idea is so foreign to us that we feel the offender could not possibly be a person we care about and trust. The offender's extreme denial and ability to manipulate others can often convince anyone, even professionals, that they do not have a problem. They are so convincing that parents may even doubt their own child. Offenders will often give several excuses for their behavior as a way to ease their own guilt over their actions. Some common excuses are:
A person who molests one time is very likely to do it again. There is no complete cure. If an offender is motivated, a specialized treatment program can greatly reduce the chances of him abusing again. The offender can learn the tools needed to prevent abusing again (an example: making sure he is never alone with any child). Because the issues are so complex, these offenders need to be treated by therapists specifically trained to work with offenders and their families. Unless offenders receive long term treatment, they likely will continue to molest children.
What is "Grooming"?
Grooming is the process by which offenders prepare or set-up children for sexual abuse. The first step of this process begins with the offender seeking out a child. The offender usually selects children who are available to them (examples: relatives, friends and neighbors) and focus on children who are open to adult friendships and enjoy attention. The next step of the process is forming a relationship with the child. The offender finds ways to build up trust with the child by playing games with her, buying things for her, or taking her on special outings. The third step in grooming is finding ways to touch the child a lot. As a result, the child is often unaware or confused when the touch becomes sexual. The offender may wrestle with the child, sit the child on his lap, or sneak touches of the child's private parts. The offender wants that physical contact. Next, the offender finds ways to isolate the child. The offender begins to find excuses for being alone with the victim in order to molest the child. Examples of such excuses are babysitting, inviting the child to go camping, or taking the child to the park. As the process continues, the offender begins to blame the child and promote the secrecy. The offender tries to make the child feel responsible so she will not tell. Often the molester will threaten or bribe the child by lying to her. The offender might tell the victim that if she tells, the perpetrator will go to jail. The offender might threaten to kill the child, the child's mother, or a pet if the secret is told. Some children are told that their parents won't love them anymore if they tell, so they keep quiet about the abuse.
Why Do Children Go Along With the Abuse?
Children are raised to be nice and to respect adults. Children learn to trust adults because adults protect them. Because children often care about their offenders, they are confused. In the final stages of the grooming process, the guilt the children feel makes them believe the abuse is their fault and this allows the abuse to continue. Children also feel powerless. They are smaller, weaker, and depend on adults. They have a great desire to be accepted and loved by them. They are told to mind adults, whether they are parents, teachers, coaches, relatives, or babysitters. Children do not want to be abused but feel they have no real choice. They are not agreeing to the abuse by any means.
Why Don't Children Tell Parents Immediately?
Some children do tell their parents about abuse right away; however, this is not the norm. Those who do tell about the abuse may wait months or years to disclose, and parents often feel angry or disappointed in their children for not telling. In many cases, victims who do tell usually confide in aunts, teachers, school counselors, or friends – not their parents. They may not disclose to parents for fear their loved ones will not be supportive. On the other hand, they may want to avoid causing their parents to hurt or feel badly. These children believe that someone outside the family will be less likely to be upset by the disclosure. Common responses given by children regarding why they did not disclose sooner include:
As you can see, children delay disclosures out of fear, confusion, and embarrassment, as well as protection of the adults they love. It is a common response to delay or avoid disclosures. This is why even children who were taught about "good touches - bad touches" and the need to tell their parents of the "bad touches", do not do so for quite some time. It is common to hear that children have disclosed to someone other than their parents. Children should be praised for disclosing to anyone at all.
Systems' Response To Disclosure
How and Why Do You Report?
If you believe you have reasonable grounds to suspect that your child, or any other child is being sexually exploited or abused, promptly report your concerns to the State Child Abuse Hotline. The phone number to call is 1-800-482-5964. You do not have to be certain that abuse is occurring, but you should have a strong suspicion that there has been sexual contact with the child by an adolescent or adult. When you make the call, you will be asked basic information about the child, the alleged offender, and details about the events you believe have occurred. When reporting, you may ask to remain anonymous. Within 24 hours of the report, someone from the Arkansas State Police or local law enforcement agency will attempt to contact the victim and victim's family.
Who Will Interview the Child?
An investigator with the Arkansas State Police or local law enforcement will perform the first disclosure interview. This investigator should be specially trained in interviewing child abuse victims and assessing the credibility of the child and/or family. The interviewer will consider the amount of detail in the child's disclosure, how the child describes the acts of abuse in her own words, and whether the child should have such sexual knowledge at her age. The interviewer will also note whether the child's story remains the same over time.
Should A Child Have a Medical Evaluation?
The investigator may recommend a medical exam of the victim. If siblings of the victim have had contact with the alleged offender, sexual abuse exams of the siblings may also be needed. When would an exam be needed? A medical exam of a sexually abused child is always recommended when there has been skin to skin contact between the alleged offender and the child. It may be useful to obtain forensic evidence, to reassure families and victims that the child is okay, and to test for infections which may have been passed from the offender to the child. Most of these exams are normal. However, some are abnormal and the findings should be documented for use in court and any infections should be treated. These medical exams should be done in a gentle, forceless manner to prevent further trauma to the child. Parents may wish to contact their primary care physicians to perform this examination. However, some physicians may choose to refer these patients to a doctor who specializes in this area.
What Other Resources Are Available?
Other community agencies respond to the needs of the child victim. The Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) may become involved in any case where there is a question about safety. It is the responsibility of DCFS to ensure the safety of every child and they may be contacted in cases where the child may be re-exposed to the alleged offender or if the child will be placed in an unsafe environment. The goal of DCFS is to keep families together, but if a child is at risk and is unprotected, DCFS is required to step in. Also, child victims and their families may need professional help, and the remainder of this program will address these issues.
Victims' Response to Sexual Abuse and Psychological Treatment Needs
What are Common Behavioral Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse?
Several general behavioral changes may occur in children that have been sexually abused. These changes are not specific to sexual abuse but are common symptoms reported by victims:
Children who have been sexually abused frequently have more specific symptoms:
If you are not sure whether the behaviors are normal or abnormal for the child's age, we have a tool which may help you decide whether or not you should be concerned.
What Does It Mean If the Child Discloses, Then Recants?
Sometimes a child may recant or take back a truthful disclosure of abuse. This is not surprising because the child fears the impact that a disclosure will have on the family, or fears that no one will believe her. The child may recant because the offending adult has much more power. If the child remains in the home where the offender also resides, it is most common that the child will recant the allegations. She is often coerced by family members to sweep the abuse under the rug and pretend that it never occurred.
What If the Child Sexually Touches Other Children?
Children who have been sexually abused often feel a loss of control. Two ways they may attempt to cope with these feelings are through aggression, or acting out, and sexually touching other children. Children who are sexually acting out should not be punished for these behaviors but receive treatment. Professional help should be obtained as soon as possible.
Will the Child Be Confused About His or Her Sexuality?
Children often become confused about their sexuality. This is especially true with males. Some male victims believe they might become homosexual because they were molested by a male. They have that fear because they became aroused during the sexual act. The child should be told this arousal means that his body is responding in a normal way. Most sexual offenders are actually heterosexual. Adults sexually attracted to children are called pedophiles.
What are the Long Term Effects of Sexual Abuse?
Ongoing abuse can lead to numerous, concerning long-term effects. These include:
What Factors Influence the Effects of Abuse on the Child?
There are many factors that affect the child's response to sexual abuse. These factors include:
A child who was touched once with a hand on the genital area, who told right away, and whose parents supported her, may not be severely affected. This child may not need counseling if the parents know about abuse and are able to talk about it in the home.
On the other hand, a child who was molested by her father over a five-year period, where the abuse went from fondling to penile/vaginal or penile/anal intercourse, and when she told was not believed, will most likely suffer both immediate and long-term effects. This child will need therapeutic support. Sometimes a younger child will show few symptoms at the time of the abuse, but develop them at a later time. When a child reaches adolescence, the memories of previous abuse may produce behavioral symptoms and affect the child's development of a healthy sexual identity and relationships. Untreated child sexual abuse can cause negative effects lasting into adulthood. However, just because a child has been sexually abused, it doesn't mean she is "ruined" for life. Treatment is available for any child who needs it. Counseling is often needed for a child to heal, so it is important that the abuse is not swept under the rug as a way to keep it quiet, but instead, dealt with in an appropriate way.
What Does a Child Need for Recovery?
All sexually abused children need support from their families and an evaluation by a therapist specialized in treating abused children. These are the first steps in the recovery process. Not all abused children need counseling, but some may need individual, group, and family therapy.
Abused children should be helped to understand that the abuse was not their fault. They need help in preparing for any changes in their family situation caused by the abuse. They also may need help in preparing for court testimony. They should be given the knowledge and skills necessary for their safety. Child sexual abuse victims who do not receive adequate therapy have a higher risk for further abuse as adolescents or adults, while others may have an increased interest in having sexual contact with children. Following our program, materials will be available to you about local resources that provide this specialized therapy to victims and their families.
Parents' Response to Sexual Abuse and Psychological Treatment Needs
How Can Parents Help in their Child's Recovery?
Remain Calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with the child but at what happened. Children may believe that anger or disgust is directed toward them.
Believe the Child. Usually, children do not lie about abuse.
Support the Child with words and actions. Tell her you are proud of her for telling. Assure the child that she is okay and let her know that you will protect her.
Be ready to listen, but don't pry. It is important for a child to be able to talk with a parent about the abuse. However, it is not helpful to pry or continually question her about details. This is the job of the investigator. Sometimes well meaning parents who ask leading questions can confuse the child or make the child overly anxious. Just letting the child talk on her own allows a parent the chance to correct any misinformation the child has about the abuse - for example, why it happened, the child's feelings of being responsible for it, etc.
Treat the child as you usually would. Don't give her special treatment. Don't bend the rules. The regular routine should be followed as soon as possible. Otherwise, the child may feel that something is very wrong and she is in some way different since the abuse. The abuse cannot be an excuse for negative behavior, either. A child still needs consistent and appropriate limits.
Allow the child to be a child. Give her room to play, learn, explore, and relax without the stress of having to make adult decisions. Don't keep her from normal activities because you are afraid she will be re-abused.
Don't blame or punish yourself. Parents may have had no way of knowing that their child was being abused. Focus on the importance of your role at this time. Avoid coping with alcohol, TV, food, or shopping. That will just delay the child's healing process.
Consider healing any wounds from your past. If the abuse of a child triggers painful memories of a parent's past, the parent should seek help at this time to deal with those issues. The parent can be a role model of healing for the child.
Provide appropriate boundaries. Because a sexually abused child has had her personal boundaries violated, a parent can help rebuild appropriate boundaries by allowing a certain amount of privacy. Give a child the right to say no to goodnight kisses, hugs, etc. Let her shut the bathroom or bedroom door, or hang onto a special toy which she does not have to share. Also, be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who do not need to know what happened.
Allow the child certain rights. Allow her to feel and express her emotions, have her opinions, likes and dislikes, and the right to say who touches her body.
Allow the abused child the chance for open communication, and to show her true feelings. If your child has been abused, be strong as a parent and let your child know that you are able to handle tough problems. Children want to be able to trust that their parents will not fall apart as a result of learning of the abuse.
Get help. Make an appointment for a psychological assessment of the child.
Parents should not panic or overreact when the child talks about the abuse. Again, the parent should not pressure the child to talk or to avoid talking about the abuse. She should be allowed to discuss the sexual abuse at her own pace. Parents should not confront the offender in front of the child. This should be left for the authorities to handle. Parents should never criticize or blame the child. Sexual abuse is NEVER a child's fault.
If a Child Discloses, What are Common Feelings or Reactions of Parents?
Parents and other family members are often as affected by the abuse as the child. Many parents feel they have an open relationship with the child and feel hurt because their child took so long to tell or told someone else first. This is a very common reaction and a parent should not feel badly about this. Parents are usually not the first to know. They may have strong feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, disbelief, shock, and depression. When the offender is someone they love, there is often an added stress of feeling they have to "choose" between the offender and the child. All of these feelings are common to parents and normal. However, your feelings may be too much for the child victim to handle. The child may shut down and not talk about the abuse in order to protect the parent or loved one. Therefore, it is important that the parent or family get help to deal with these feelings.
If a parent is overwhelmed by feelings, it will be hard to provide support for the child. Sometimes, parents may have feelings they do not understand, such as anger toward the child. This may cause them to feel increased guilt. Parents may expect the child to feel the same way they do. Parents should separate their feelings from those of the child and not expect the child to feel the same way they do. The child may love the offender but be afraid to express that she misses him for fear a family member may not understand. Parents are not alone when having these feelings. Parent support groups are available to deal with these feelings.
How Do Parents Know If a Child is Telling the Truth?
Children rarely lie about being sexually abused. Even though some children have vivid imaginations, most young children would not know about sexual acts or situations unless they have been exposed to them directly. Most children have nothing to gain from accusing someone of sexual abuse. Even though most children have lied about something in their lifetime, the lies don't compare to telling something as serious as sexual abuse. Children will often tell about their abuse in bits and pieces. This doesn't mean they are making it up, but instead, they are trying to cope with the abuse little by little. After their first disclosure, if they feel safe and protected, more memories may return.
Are Parents to Blame?
No. The only person to blame is the one who did the abuse. It is always easier to look back at things and see them more clearly than when it occurred. You may realize there were clues that you did not react to at the time. Parents can take control of how they respond to a child's disclosure. If they did not believe, were angry, or confused about what to do, they can go back and talk with their child. They can apologize or explain why they behaved the way they did when the child told. The parent who is aware of the abuse and allows it to continue can be held legally responsible for not keeping a child safe. Parents should react right away and find ways to provide a safer environment for the child. Single parents need to be aware that children living in a home with a stepparent or mom's boyfriend are at a higher risk of being abused. If parents abuse drugs or alcohol, they need to realize that they are leaving the child less protected when they are using drugs or alcohol. Parents may need to use caution when screening for daycare or other activities. No matter what, the offender is still the one at fault for the abuse.
If a Child Has Been Abused, What Can a Parent Expect From the Legal System?
This is a very difficult question to answer, because every case is different. Sometimes, even if the police believe that sexual abuse has occurred, a lack of evidence can prevent the arrest of an offender and the case may never make it to court. This only means that the kind of evidence needed to win a criminal trial is not present in the case. This may happen when the victim is a very young child and thought unlikely to be a good or credible witness in the courtroom. Sadly, many child abuse cases are never prosecuted.
If the prosecuting attorney does take the case, it doesn't mean there will be a trial. Sometimes, at the last minute, there will be a plea bargain arranged. This means the offender may be allowed to plead guilty to a lesser offense to spare the child from having to testify, avoid the expense of a trial, and guarantee a guilty verdict. The sentence of an offender varies depending on the crime of which he is found guilty, whether it is his first offense, etc. The offender occasionally may receive sex offender treatment in place of all or part of his jail time.
If a child's case does go to court, parents may worry about the effects of the trial on the child. The court attempts to protect the child's emotional well being while preserving the defendant's rights. Victim Assistance Coordinators of the prosecutor's office and the child's therapist can help prepare the child for court testimony by allowing her to see the courtroom in advance and teaching her important skills to reduce stress. Many children who go through a trial feel good about themselves and their ability to tell the truth about what happened to them. It can increase their sense of power after an experience which made them feel powerless.
What Does a Parent Need for Recovery?
Parents may need individual counseling for their own issues as discussed earlier. They may need to be involved in family therapy, especially if the offender was a member of the family or had close ties to the family. Again, there are many resources available to help.
How Can We Prevent Child Abuse?
Parents can help in the prevention of child sexual abuse in many ways. They can:
Adapted from Christine Larsen, MSW and Anne Zaro, MSW, How to Survive the Sexual Abuse of Your Child...Answers to Commonly Asked Questions (Spokane, WA: ACT for Kids, Spokane Sexual Assault Center, 1989)
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